[story of a girl]

during a grocery shopping trip with my mom and brother my mom and i had quite the discussion/argument about my progress with recovery from my eating disorder. it started with my brother michael (home from college now) saying that he wanted to join the gym i previously belonged to but had to cancel my membership to because of the "no exercise for six months" rule at sheppard pratt. he started talking about getting a family plan and it got me all excited. at first my mom was adimantly saying no, that would be breaking your recovery. but then she was like "who cares, you're not trying anyways." basically. um, excuse me? i AM trying, thank you very fucking much. i am paying out of my own pocket ($140 a month) to see a dietitian. i am eating a hell of a lot more than when i was first admitted to the hospital. i am not overexercising. i am not taking diet pills. i have purged only twice. i am not restricting or starving. true, i have a problem keeping myself hydrated. but that is it. i am trying my ass off. it is hard as hell and she has no idea the dedication i am trying to put into it, or how badly sometimes i want to just scream at her "fuck you i'm trying!" or how hard it is. she has no fucking clue how badly i feel about myself. she took the scale away, with the rule of letting me weigh myself once a week when previously it was 20 + times a day. does she have any idea how hard that is? but i'm trying. i'm fucking trying and she is just burying her head in the sand and saying that i don't eat enough "balanced" meals and that i am not "waking up on time to eat breakfast with her." as long as i eat, who gives a fuck what time i wake up. true there is strength in routine and schedules and eating at the same time each day like they suggested in the hospital but i can't follow EVERYTHING and still keep my sanity. i am not losing weight or gaining. i am maintaining and so we started having this discussion about how i'm not trying and how if i went to the gym and got a family membership with my brother i would go crazy with it. i have learned a lot from sheppard pratt and i feel okayish in recovery enough to go to the gym. i never agreed to the no exercise for six months in the first place. i am an adult and fully capable of making my own decisions. true, i have had issues with compulsive exercise in the past, but why not give me a trial period to see how i do? why not let me try? why not give me a chance? where is the trust. i know i lost it with my disorder and lies but it has to be restored sometime. i don't know.... i don't even know where this is going. i am just so angry that she says i'm not trying. if i wasn't trying i'd be out exercising in my room, running when she wsn't home, buying diet pills, buying my own scale and weighing myself secretly as much as my fat ass pleased. i would be starving and purging and not eating and lying and not going to a therapist, psychiatrist, or paying out of my own pocket for a dietitian. she makes me want to scream. am i doing those things? no. no, i am not. so shut the fuck up.

to make matters worse today is the three-year anniversary of my parents separation. it always hits me hard because i am still not over it. i still miss my daddy whom i don't see enough. i still hate their arguing and name calling and bickering and immaturity towards eachother. i still cry on father's day and the holidays because it is splitting the family and i wish everyone could just get the fuck along. but no. today is the anniversary and i am just sad as shit and my mom just needs to deal with it instead of trying to piss me off about "not being in recovery" which is a load of shit.

i have to get ready for work soon... just wanted to do an update on how things are here. oh, and for all you "saw" and horror movie/thriller fans: saw III comes out halloween 2006. hell fucking yeah.

later.