[story of a girl]

[the stars]
and the pain is gone
as i am swept away
by the stars of november
beating down the asphalt
like cloud-kissed rain,
pelting the crackled blackness
with wet tears of the sky. and
in this i cry, for it is beautiful
and the hurt melts away
with the glow of the stars afar.


[tell me no lies]
you were my savior;
deliver me from evil.
take me in your arms
and wash away the pain
like you wiped my tears
with the back of your palm,
ignoring the black streaks
of goth-glam mascara that
stained your skin. perfect
fingers swept across my face,
pausing to touch at my lips.
"you'll be okay" you whisper,
leaving me breathless with
your husky, sandpaper voice.
but i know you're wrong.

[moments in the grass]
set me free, please, set me free
from darkness masking the stars.
i want to feel the sun,
i want to feel the breeze brush
against the bare skin of our bodies
as we lay in the grass, moist with
morning dew. and i want to feel
your lips on mine, pressing hard,
compacting our love into a moment
only we can share.


[i think you saw me first]
i think you saw me first,
sitting at the table alone.
not eating, writing with a
manic frenzy comparable
to speed. i think you saw
me first, truly happy as we
walked hand in hand, shoes
scuffing on the sidewalk, talking
of the moon and stars. i think you
saw me first, soul bared and open
to your eyes: darkness and obsession,
panic-stricken as horrid memories
swallowed me in tears. but i know you saw
me last as they strapped me to that bed
and whisked me to the hospital, for you
weren't there, and we never got to say goodbye.

[lovenotes on hotel paper]
and i write notes of tomorrow,
letters of today, on crinkled hotel
paper, my handwriting a loopy cursive
scrawl as i profess my love, my pain of
your abscence, and my longing solely
for your return. and later i will swallow
bottled death in an attempt to stop
the spinning in my head. pill after pill,
down my throat, swallowed with stale-tasting
apple juice. i'll pick up the phone, forgetting
your number in my pill-induced ecstacy and
dial the hospital. we'll be there soon, they promise,
as they tell me to stay on the line. but you won't.
you won't. and i wonder why and what i did to make
it be this way.

[my downfall]
do you remember when we
went to my mother's restaurant and you saw,
really saw, me at my worst? i sat, sullen, not
eating, dying a little more each day, but where were
you when i took that blade to my wrists
and pressed down? where were you when they told
me come with us. where were you? i only wish i knew.

[the taste of your lips]
oh, how i remember the taste
of your lips, your affection, the scent
of your skin on mine. shaking, how it hurt
when you held my hand in yours,
caressing it softly while you kissed me softly,
passion like wildfire in your eyes,
ripping through the forest of my soul,
burning down the walls and barriers,
kiss me, i whisper, and you do. oh, how
you do, and it is something magical.


[fragile sanity]
i whispered goodbye to you
as the one thing i clung to slipped
through the pads of my fingers: our love.
heart breaking as my fragile strings
of sanity slowly tore us apart. wither, wither,
wither, they are breaking. we are breaking
i am breaking. breaking. broken. gone.


[careless]
when i wake thoughts of you
simmer to my heart and i feel
this burning inside. get up, vitals,
walk down the hall to be weighed.
cringe at the number and realize
that you were the only one i ever met
that didn't care what it said.


[alive]
when i touch your hand
sparks explode inside this body,
and for the first time in weeks,
i feel alive.

[wishing on stars]
the burnt sienna branches
arch towards the sky in a
criss cross game of reaching
for the stars. we lay in bed,
staring at the moon, and you whisper
baby i'd give you the stars if i could.
i smile to myself as one shoots by,
and make a wish to stay in this moment
forever.

[just a boy]
hesitant at first,
you were just a boy,
just a boy i met at school.
you understood me, you
spilled your soul into the pad
of paper you carried around with
you in your pocket; bits of poetry
and writings here and there,
windows to your soul, words of
your everything and when i shared you mine
you inhaled and wrapped your arms
tighter around me. beauty, baby, beauty.


[telling mother]
so there's a boy.
i come home and tell
my mother, sitting at the kitchen
table gabbing like sixth-graders.
he's tall with brown hair, kind of
scruffy with a voice like sandpaper
kissing wood: a mix of suave and grit.
i tell her of your smile, that boyish grin
you flash each time we laugh, that immature
nature you expel with your every doing. and she
gives me this great smile because for once i'm
smiling, too.


[self-destruction]
you walk me to class. march comes
with snow falling on tree limbs, with
ice pelting the windshield of your car
as we drive during lunch. get something to eat,
you urge me. it's okay. but i know it isn't,
so i get coffee and a salad, push it around on
my plate, take a bite or two for you,
go to the bathroom and sigh as i purge it from
my body. come out reeking of mouthwash and
lavendar hand-soap, fall into your embrace,
and wish it wasn't like this.

[life on standby]
my life is on standby when
you're not here. my life is lost
without you in it. and it's now more
than ever that i need you.

[drink you in]
i want to drink you in,
inhale your cologne like
i take in a midnight sky of
sparkling stars or a five o'clock
sunset dazzling the sky with peach
and dandelion. i want to inhale the nights
together, swallow them down, store them
away for times when i'm alone. i want to
drink you in. i want to drink you in.

[love is...]
love is us lying together,
entangled in ourselves,
cool sheets hissing as we move
to the music, lips kissing skin.
love is us holding hands walking
down the sidewalks after class,
and you pausing to pick me a flower.
love is you and me and us together
and how we make it all fit so.

[forever stained]
i don't know why, but sometimes
i find myself just staring at the sky,
and i see your eyes, your face,
painted across the clouds. i shake my head,
try to wipe you from my mind like
an eraser on the chalkboard. but your
forever painted in my eyes,
and that's something that will stain forever.

[those eyes]
i could write pages about your eyes.
i trip on my words as i attempt in vain
to describe the look in your eyes
as you tell me you love me. those eyes,
those eyes, they are so beautiful in their
sparkling splendor. they tell stories untold
by your whispers, they share secrets unshared
by your mouth, they give away your everything
and they take away my nothing and give it... something
quite like love.